Jessicas poem

Just a small space

It is a secret place, kinda like hiding under the Christmas tree, looking up through the twinkling lights of stringy silver and gold. This secret place seems familiar. This place has three distinct colors that I spy through these color blind eyes, blue, gray and white. There are some sticky things where the white meets the gray so you don't want to get to close to those, the blue is soft like combed cotton but peculiarly angled towards the wall. This secret space often shields you from bloodshot eyes, fowl breath, and long hairy arms. It is large enough to hold a friend with you if you are small, but most often it is used when you are alone. Keep quiet now though, because you don't want to be found there alone unless you like being dragged across the floor and squeezed so tight you think your eyes will pop out.  Loud obnoxious voices can be heard down the hallway hollering B E V E R L Y ! which echoed enough to make you stone cold.

Then your older and you realize this secret spot was just the spot behind the couch in the living room...

ahem...

So, he is sitting there eating a cheese ramen as he was suddenly back in Korea, he had drank so much he was lost, up and down unfamilar dark alleyways and ducking in and out of makeshift homes along the way. Lucky for him there was a turtle ditch in a back alley that appeared to offer some level of privacy and shelter from the cold and fortunately he just happened to have his custom made leather trench coat on for warmth. as he took another bite he remembered his time there with a woman who was quiet and quintessential to his every need, as they embraced for several hours it was as if they were the only two people in the world, they fell asleep. he awoke to her naked, cleaning herself with a washrag out of a small pot on the floor, she came to him and began to gently clean him up as well. The taste of the ramen reminded him of many times therein early on and of some heavy times later. He was thinking he should have died there in that ditch that fateful night or maybe again when he got off the bus in the wrong city. It was dark and dreary when he stepped off as the driver pulled away quickly, where were all the lights and the familiar sounds of the street bars and dance clubs. Then out of the darkness a lady appeared coming towards him, but she was different she wasn’t trying to pull him into a brothel down a dark alley but spoke broken English and offered him to help find his way, he should have died there to. Further into the countryside he went seeing how the locals really lived before finally ending up in a city of lights named Seoul. The women of the night there were much more brazen than those up north and were offering themselves to nearly everyone passing by, he remembered thinking they looked like some old city hookers complete with leather boots up to their naked bums. Poking through the bowl of noodles and dried vegtables tears were forming in his eyes. Thoughts began to race through his mind of things he had done and why, the question why just kept coming back unanswered. the memories begin to fade....

Old memories awakened

That time when you are physically hurt to a point where you can't fix it alone but realize help is not coming and your on your own again, its a vicious cycle and I do mean vicious... You will have pain, shed tears and feel anger all at the same time...

Sorrys won't help the situation, they make the cut a little deeper...

Missing you

So here we are, another year has passed since you went away, some will say time heals all wounds yet my wounds still remain. With every beat my heart slows and struggles to function as the wounds are deep ever still. All to often certain sounds or smells of familiar things remind me of you. Even if I could block out the senses I would still miss you. So many things have happened that I want to tell you and I hope somehow, someway, we can talk again someday...

Ok, now what

?

Mustard

It's enough to make even the most seasoned person feel depressed, they come on into your life and instead of offering up a smile they just brush on by you as if you aren't even  there. The sheer magnitude this has on a persona over time is enough force to crush what might seem an insurmountable object. But then a simple mustard seed can move a mountain.

Fizer Madness

The very substance that gives her some relief from the deafining pain is silently killing her, she is steadfastly slipping away and I alone am not enough to keep this flower from withering today...

Yeah well...

Eating dinner alone sucks, especially when your sitting next to someone you love...

Answers...

1 Corinthians 15:51-55
51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”[a]
55 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”[b]

Acts 1:11
11 “Men of Galilee,” they said, “why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.”

2 Corinthians 5:10
10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

Revelation 19:7-9
Let us rejoice and be glad
    and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
    and his bride has made herself ready.
8 Fine linen, bright and clean,
    was given her to wear.”
9 Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!” And he added, “These are the true words of God.”

Revelation 19:17-21
17 And I saw an angel standing in the sun, who cried in a loud voice to all the birds flying in midair, “Come, gather together for the great supper of God, 18 so that you may eat the flesh of kings, generals, and the mighty, of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, great and small.”
19 Then I saw the beast and the kings of the earth and their armies gathered together to wage war against the rider on the horse and his army. 20 But the beast was captured, and with it the false prophet who had performed the signs on its behalf. With these signs he had deluded those who had received the mark of the beast and worshiped its image. The two of them were thrown alive into the fiery lake of burning sulfur. 21 The rest were killed with the sword coming out of the mouth of the rider on the horse, and all the birds gorged themselves on their flesh.

Isiah 11:6-8
6 The wolf will live with the lamb,
    the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling[a] together;
    and a little child will lead them.
7 The cow will feed with the bear,
    their young will lie down together,
    and the lion will eat straw like the ox.
8 The infant will play near the cobra’s den,
    and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.

Revelation 20:4
4 I saw thrones on which were seated those who had been given authority to judge. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony about Jesus and because of the word of God. They[a] had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its mark on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years.

Revelation 20:11-15
11 Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. The earth and the heavens fled from his presence, and there was no place for them. 12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. 13 The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what they had done. 14 Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is the second death. 15 Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire.

Revelation 21
A New Heaven and a New Earth
21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
6 He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7 Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. 8 But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”
The New Jerusalem, the Bride of the Lamb
9 One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” 10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. 11 It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. 12 It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel. 13 There were three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south and three on the west. 14 The wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
15 The angel who talked with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city, its gates and its walls. 16 The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadia[c] in length, and as wide and high as it is long. 17 The angel measured the wall using human measurement, and it was 144 cubits[d] thick.[e] 18 The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. 19 The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20 the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst.[f] 21 The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.
22 I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. 23 The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. 24 The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. 25 On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. 26 The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. 27 Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life.

Revelation 22
Eden Restored
22 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb 2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. 3 No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. 4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. 5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.
John and the Angel
6 The angel said to me, “These words are trustworthy and true. The Lord, the God who inspires the prophets, sent his angel to show his servants the things that must soon take place.”
7 “Look, I am coming soon! Blessed is the one who keeps the words of the prophecy written in this scroll.”
8 I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. And when I had heard and seen them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who had been showing them to me. 9 But he said to me, “Don’t do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your fellow prophets and with all who keep the words of this scroll. Worship God!”
10 Then he told me, “Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this scroll, because the time is near. 11 Let the one who does wrong continue to do wrong; let the vile person continue to be vile; let the one who does right continue to do right; and let the holy person continue to be holy.”
Epilogue: Invitation and Warning
12 “Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done. 13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
14 “Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. 15 Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
16 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you[a] this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”
17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.
18 I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll. 19 And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll.
20 He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon.”
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
21 The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.

That smell...

The once poignant emotion has gone putrid with each passing breath.

15 minutes

Sleep, it's overrated. Much too much to do and say and be. Mind shifts from one scene to another. House, plans, campfire, camp, get away, ride, the wind and then another blip on the screen. Whos there? What is that sound, thud, there it is again, the fan drones on, whirring at unknown speeds, at what cost. Solar, who needs it, how many batteries, what kind of storage, for how long. Useful life? Truly off-grid? Sleep, not now, need to pay this, call them for that, add it all up, put some back, plan, pay, will it be enough? Uncomfortable silence, pains, regrets, futures and then what to do tomorrow, how much time for x, y, and z, don't forget to go. Pickup this and that, when do they open, no rhyme, no reason just random..sleep, try again...

A million thoughts are racing through my mind as I roll on down the road. Songs are on the radio and one random memory comes flooding back like a powerful wind with enough emotion to drop a single tear which rolls down my check as I roll on down the road. 

Once

When I was little, I was happy and carefree.
I used to run around laughing until it was time for me.

I used to play games and smile all the time.
I used to feel on top of the world, I used to feel so fine.

Things change when people let you down.
And now my happy face has turn into frowns.

You search and search
For someone who cares,
Anyone who understands,
Anyone who dares.

Loneliness, it hurts.
It kills you deep inside.
It makes you feel empty.
It stops you in your stride.

You cry yourself to sleep,
Hugging your pillow tight,
Wishing for someone to hold you through the night.

When I was little, I was happy and carefree.
I used to run around laughing until it was time for me.
Now my life's full of sadness, pain and misery.

Once when I was little
I was never on my own.
But now I pray at night
"I wish I wasn't alone."

Why

So alone, so unhappy, so sad, so what?