Fathers don't take refuge on the throne.

So, lets just say you wake your teen for school, but they don't want to go. Teens, have the inate ability to follow you through your house and stand outside the bathroom door. While you attempt to do your business they will come up with thousands of reasons not to go, on the fly, if they could only do that when asked to write a thesis statement... and yes, all the while you will be barraged by words, when all you long for is the simple silence and refuge the bathroom often provides with perhaps an occasional drip of water...Stay chuicy my friends...

You read it,  now shred it, don' fret it, you'll just regret it.

H...

Hopeless, hated, harassed and harmed. Haggard, helpless, hard-hit and heckled. Maybe hazy, hideous, horrified, hostile and humiliated. This hypocrisy got me hurting, hypocritical and somewhat hysterical but probably just mental.

Shading...still off...

Picked up the pen for a few minutes and its been to long...

Bad seeds...

Seeds of negativity grow like thorns along the stems of pretty red roses. Each word flows like a river off your tongue and lashes out at me, inflicting wounds like a razor sharp strap across my back and body. Just when i think the bleeding will end more seeds are strewn all around my feet. What thing, ever so vile  has made you this way...

Jessicas poem

Just a small space

It is a secret place, kinda like hiding under the Christmas tree, looking up through the twinkling lights of stringy silver and gold. This secret place seems familiar. This place has three distinct colors that I spy through these color blind eyes, blue, gray and white. There are some sticky things where the white meets the gray so you don't want to get to close to those, the blue is soft like combed cotton but peculiarly angled towards the wall. This secret space often shields you from bloodshot eyes, fowl breath, and long hairy arms. It is large enough to hold a friend with you if you are small, but most often it is used when you are alone. Keep quiet now though, because you don't want to be found there alone unless you like being dragged across the floor and squeezed so tight you think your eyes will pop out.  Loud obnoxious voices can be heard down the hallway hollering B E V E R L Y ! which echoed enough to make you stone cold.

Then your older and you realize this secret spot was just the spot behind the couch in the living room...

ahem...

So, he is sitting there eating a cheese ramen as he was suddenly back in Korea, he had drank so much he was lost, up and down unfamilar dark alleyways and ducking in and out of makeshift homes along the way. Lucky for him there was a turtle ditch in a back alley that appeared to offer some level of privacy and shelter from the cold and fortunately he just happened to have his custom made leather trench coat on for warmth. as he took another bite he remembered his time there with a woman who was quiet and quintessential to his every need, as they embraced for several hours it was as if they were the only two people in the world, they fell asleep. he awoke to her naked, cleaning herself with a washrag out of a small pot on the floor, she came to him and began to gently clean him up as well. The taste of the ramen reminded him of many times therein early on and of some heavy times later. He was thinking he should have died there in that ditch that fateful night or maybe again when he got off the bus in the wrong city. It was dark and dreary when he stepped off as the driver pulled away quickly, where were all the lights and the familiar sounds of the street bars and dance clubs. Then out of the darkness a lady appeared coming towards him, but she was different she wasn’t trying to pull him into a brothel down a dark alley but spoke broken English and offered him to help find his way, he should have died there to. Further into the countryside he went seeing how the locals really lived before finally ending up in a city of lights named Seoul. The women of the night there were much more brazen than those up north and were offering themselves to nearly everyone passing by, he remembered thinking they looked like some old city hookers complete with leather boots up to their naked bums. Poking through the bowl of noodles and dried vegtables tears were forming in his eyes. Thoughts began to race through his mind of things he had done and why, the question why just kept coming back unanswered. the memories begin to fade....

Old memories awakened

That time when you are physically hurt to a point where you can't fix it alone but realize help is not coming and your on your own again, its a vicious cycle and I do mean vicious... You will have pain, shed tears and feel anger all at the same time...

Sorrys won't help the situation, they make the cut a little deeper...

Missing you

So here we are, another year has passed since you went away, some will say time heals all wounds yet my wounds still remain. With every beat my heart slows and struggles to function as the wounds are deep ever still. All to often certain sounds or smells of familiar things remind me of you. Even if I could block out the senses I would still miss you. So many things have happened that I want to tell you and I hope somehow, someway, we can talk again someday...

Ok, now what

?

Mustard

It's enough to make even the most seasoned person feel depressed, they come on into your life and instead of offering up a smile they just brush on by you as if you aren't even  there. The sheer magnitude this has on a persona over time is enough force to crush what might seem an insurmountable object. But then a simple mustard seed can move a mountain.

Fizer Madness

The very substance that gives her some relief from the deafining pain is silently killing her, she is steadfastly slipping away and I alone am not enough to keep this flower from withering today...

Yeah well...

Eating dinner alone sucks, especially when your sitting next to someone you love...

Answers...

1 Corinthians 15:51-55
51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”[a]
55 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”[b]

Acts 1:11
11 “Men of Galilee,” they said, “why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.”

2 Corinthians 5:10
10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

Revelation 19:7-9
Let us rejoice and be glad
    and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
    and his bride has made herself ready.
8 Fine linen, bright and clean,
    was given her to wear.”
9 Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!” And he added, “These are the true words of God.”

Revelation 19:17-21
17 And I saw an angel standing in the sun, who cried in a loud voice to all the birds flying in midair, “Come, gather together for the great supper of God, 18 so that you may eat the flesh of kings, generals, and the mighty, of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, great and small.”
19 Then I saw the beast and the kings of the earth and their armies gathered together to wage war against the rider on the horse and his army. 20 But the beast was captured, and with it the false prophet who had performed the signs on its behalf. With these signs he had deluded those who had received the mark of the beast and worshiped its image. The two of them were thrown alive into the fiery lake of burning sulfur. 21 The rest were killed with the sword coming out of the mouth of the rider on the horse, and all the birds gorged themselves on their flesh.

Isiah 11:6-8
6 The wolf will live with the lamb,
    the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling[a] together;
    and a little child will lead them.
7 The cow will feed with the bear,
    their young will lie down together,
    and the lion will eat straw like the ox.
8 The infant will play near the cobra’s den,
    and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.

Revelation 20:4
4 I saw thrones on which were seated those who had been given authority to judge. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony about Jesus and because of the word of God. They[a] had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its mark on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years.

Revelation 20:11-15
11 Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. The earth and the heavens fled from his presence, and there was no place for them. 12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. 13 The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what they had done. 14 Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is the second death. 15 Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire.

Revelation 21
A New Heaven and a New Earth
21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
6 He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7 Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. 8 But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”
The New Jerusalem, the Bride of the Lamb
9 One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” 10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. 11 It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. 12 It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel. 13 There were three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south and three on the west. 14 The wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
15 The angel who talked with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city, its gates and its walls. 16 The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadia[c] in length, and as wide and high as it is long. 17 The angel measured the wall using human measurement, and it was 144 cubits[d] thick.[e] 18 The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. 19 The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20 the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst.[f] 21 The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.
22 I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. 23 The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. 24 The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. 25 On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there. 26 The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it. 27 Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s book of life.

Revelation 22
Eden Restored
22 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb 2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. 3 No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. 4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. 5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.
John and the Angel
6 The angel said to me, “These words are trustworthy and true. The Lord, the God who inspires the prophets, sent his angel to show his servants the things that must soon take place.”
7 “Look, I am coming soon! Blessed is the one who keeps the words of the prophecy written in this scroll.”
8 I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. And when I had heard and seen them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who had been showing them to me. 9 But he said to me, “Don’t do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your fellow prophets and with all who keep the words of this scroll. Worship God!”
10 Then he told me, “Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this scroll, because the time is near. 11 Let the one who does wrong continue to do wrong; let the vile person continue to be vile; let the one who does right continue to do right; and let the holy person continue to be holy.”
Epilogue: Invitation and Warning
12 “Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done. 13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
14 “Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. 15 Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
16 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you[a] this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”
17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.
18 I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll. 19 And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll.
20 He who testifies to these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon.”
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
21 The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.

That smell...

The once poignant emotion has gone putrid with each passing breath.

15 minutes

Sleep, it's overrated. Much too much to do and say and be. Mind shifts from one scene to another. House, plans, campfire, camp, get away, ride, the wind and then another blip on the screen. Whos there? What is that sound, thud, there it is again, the fan drones on, whirring at unknown speeds, at what cost. Solar, who needs it, how many batteries, what kind of storage, for how long. Useful life? Truly off-grid? Sleep, not now, need to pay this, call them for that, add it all up, put some back, plan, pay, will it be enough? Uncomfortable silence, pains, regrets, futures and then what to do tomorrow, how much time for x, y, and z, don't forget to go. Pickup this and that, when do they open, no rhyme, no reason just random..sleep, try again...

A million thoughts are racing through my mind as I roll on down the road. Songs are on the radio and one random memory comes flooding back like a powerful wind with enough emotion to drop a single tear which rolls down my check as I roll on down the road. 

Once

When I was little, I was happy and carefree.
I used to run around laughing until it was time for me.

I used to play games and smile all the time.
I used to feel on top of the world, I used to feel so fine.

Things change when people let you down.
And now my happy face has turn into frowns.

You search and search
For someone who cares,
Anyone who understands,
Anyone who dares.

Loneliness, it hurts.
It kills you deep inside.
It makes you feel empty.
It stops you in your stride.

You cry yourself to sleep,
Hugging your pillow tight,
Wishing for someone to hold you through the night.

When I was little, I was happy and carefree.
I used to run around laughing until it was time for me.
Now my life's full of sadness, pain and misery.

Once when I was little
I was never on my own.
But now I pray at night
"I wish I wasn't alone."

Why

So alone, so unhappy, so sad, so what?

Status

Unhappy...

praxis

As I lay awake while sleeping another night, random thoughts and memories fill my gaze, it has been this way for some time now, the nights blurring into my days. Alone I feel in my slumber, a provider who does not provide enough. A has been that has not had enough. A caretaker that needs taken care of.  Always the last to know.  Each passing day brings another heartbreak.  I see love all around but see none for me.  I am but a passing thought through someone elses mind...

Torpidity

It is excruciating, the sight, the sound and the movement all around you.  There is no one that you can pour your heart out to in confidence of this solitude of remorse.  Your tears should be tears of joy, not of pain and anguish.  It is consuming you with each gasp for air.  Listen now before you take what has been given to you for granted.  You have little faith, but yet still some to spare, so draw him close and whisper your fears in His ear.  Call out His name and He will comfort you and wipe away your tears.  He did it for us all in a most horrific way, one that saddens many to this day.  He walked the earth spreading the word throughout the masses.  He healed the sick and made the blind see.  He did all this for you and me.  Alongside Him and His Father how mighty we can be in the end for all eternity.  Listen now before it is to late for if you take it for granted, that is your life, you will surely suffocate.  Rise as He did after such terrible tragedies and spread the word, cast some seeds and watch the Kingdom grow.  Rest now and give your heart to Him and He will be with you always.

-Ken

I just don't have the words, the music has stopped, maybe it's just paused...

Crying inside...

Crying inside...
Words cannot describe the way I love you. I've written a short story, a poem here and there but no matter what I do I cannot describe the way I feel about you. I've tried many times to ask you to believe me but you seem to still have doubts. When I write to you theirs always another version, some words that just aren't right so my words get scratched out, garbled and replaced. It's a long and lonely road when I'm not with you yet here I go again; miserable that I cannot describe how much I love you. Tonight is another night and tomorrow is another day and God willing I will have the words to tell you how much your love means to me.

40 Questions

http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2015/07/01/40-questions-for-christians-now-waving-rainbow-flags/

Irregardless of the article above the Bible says to love thy neighbor. There are no other rules or restrictions to that passage.

So we as a church family have to support equality with a smile on our face. That is the true Christian way!

Alas...

So, I'm leaving, what does that really mean, 1 month, 2-5 years, tomorrow? I don't know and the not knowing is toying with my emotions inside, next week I'm scheduled to go to the VA in
fayetteville for another procedure, this worries me a great deal as what if the operation goes wrong? I still have much to do and take care of before my passing. The impending job loss, the search for a new job, the new home, the plot, the headstone, The VA, The DAV, Social Security, the vehicle to pay for it all, how will I get it all done, I pace back and forth in my head searching for a glimpse of what can be done to lesson the blow on my beloved family. I have accepted my fate but it doesn't make it any easier, I still want to walk our Jessica down the aisle, if I'm gone perhaps Jeremy can do me the honor. I want to watch my grandchildren grow and flourish. I love you all so much and will miss holding your hand, simple conversations, covering you up when your cold, fixing you something to eat when you are hungry and being there for you to try to lend an impartial ear and advice when I could. I hope that you all draw closer, you need each other more than you realize. When the wind blows just so gently on your face or you hear someone clear there throat and it sounds like me it probably was as I will always be with you, watching over you each and everyone.

I love you,


-Ken

Great, Just great...

Another Project Comes to Fruition...

The Time is now

An unfinished work by my father:

The time is now.
if you are ever going to love me, love me now, while I can know the sweet and tender feelings which from true affection flow, love me now. While I'm living, do not wait until I'm gone and then have it chiseled in marble, sweet words on ice-cold stone. If you have tender thoughts of me, please tell me now. If you wait until I'm sleeping, never to awaken, there will be death between us, and I won't hear you then, so, if you love me, even a little bit, let me know it while I am living so I can treasure it.

Kenneth Paul McPhail Sr.

Anger

Sometimes we get angry but what purpose does it truly serve. Take for example the person that cuts you off in traffic, would you still be angry if you knew that person was on there way to the hospital to say goodbye to a dying loved one? I try to get better at this everyday but its difficult, I hear things like " that will break her heart" well what can I do, somethings are just out of our control. Then there are those who step into the scene, make the wrong changes and smile, back stabbers, but onward they march, as my dad would say "pig fuckers" well they are just a bunch of asvabs who have no idea whats going on. In the end I suppose everyone gets what they deserve,,,

A day

Just another day, just another pill from the VA, just another date, time is fleeting, body is crumbling. Stay strong the voice says, stay strong, they need you now. I need them too but I'm tired... Some days I pass the airport and think of times gone past and wonder if I'll fly those blue skies again, some days I just want to fly away. Sometimes I can relate to why an old family dog, tattered and torn disappears into the woods to lay down by an old oak tree to rest and become part of the earth. Well, notice came in so perhaps I'll get some rest but I'm afraid if I rest I won't be able to move anymore. An appointment is coming up and once again I'm scared to go, it's supposed to be outpatient but I've heard that one before...time will tell...

Will I...

Hear you sleeping, noting the glow of LED light from the laptop in the darkness. Feel the cold from whence it came or your warmth enveloping me from head to toe. See you smile, shed a tear, shiver in the cold or bask in the warm summer sun. Hear your voice, listen to your heart beating and feel your breath ever so softly upon my nape. Will I?

pacing

woke to pain, went to cabinet for pepto, feels like being eaten from the inside, pacing the floor, stretching,, lay back down, can't stay down, hurts too much. back up, pacing again trying to be quiet so as not to wake the others, trying the prescription now. drank some water, pacing again, unbearable feel like throwing up but afraid of what might come out, why he said, he asked why and now I understand...

That telling smile

I got the call that morning but I didn't hear it, I heard what they said but I didn't listen and went about my day in a haze of partial consciousness  Then a knock was upon the door and some men were there looking to tell me again the grizzly scene. He was found on the floor with his oldest in a cold brick building, bled out on the floor in a puddle of blood. Who made the call I wondered and where was he now. Outside the winter grass wasn't green, they stayed and talked for awhile without saying anything as inquisitive as they were. Then the messenger got into some contraption and took flight. Wondrous flight, acrobatic even but then I overheard them saying I think we have taken his mind off of it for a bit with the flight. Strange I thought. Then the contraption hit some power-lines but was recovered before the impending peril continued to befall yet another. In the darkness I stayed, cold, alone with my thoughts searching aimlessly and needing shelter but still unable to communicate. Another building, still in a fog, the oldest still not found and as people were leaving I held the youngest's hand and in a glance he came to us in his Sunday best, white shirt, clean shaven but somehow thinner. He spoke but only the youngest and I could hear him as he lay there before us, he had that smile, a calm, a happiness, a joy about him. No more pain, I could tell I'd seen it before. Tears fell from our eyes and hit the floor as he lay there smiling and I woke still unsure if it was real...

Just me rolling like glass.

Look down deep in my soul and see the r e f l e  ct i o n s

come on in from the rain and i'll take away the pain....
come on in from the rain and i'll take away your pain....

Up and down you'll go into the reflections.
This life can be alone, unless you take the right road.

come on in from the rain and i'll take away your pain....

Tried

To move the Harley today, don't remember it being so heavy... needs a new back tire and battery. Headphones, Tunes, Leathers, yeah ...  going for a ride soon.

One...

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

-Revelation 21:4

One...

Go and be free

Go and be free to your hearts content,

Know peace, love, joy and happiness,

Share a smile with a stranger,

Make someone else's day with something simple,

Live a tranquil life and show others how,

Assure those you love of your devotion to them often,

Be successful, pause and notice your good fortune,

Be free and save the sadness for some other dreary day,

-Ken

Leishmaniasis

22 years later and this is still hitching a ride on me...

Family

As i stood racing in slow motion though the door of the airport bathroom, rushing for the farthest bathroom stall I couldn't make it, it came out of my mouth, my ears, my eyes and any other spot that could ooze its way through with force like that of a vampire slicing open a healthy throat after a long dense sleep.. As I stood there standing over the commode drove after droves kept pouring out. The whole left side of my body was now drenched in my own blood, more was coming and all I could think was why now and what would happen to you.... I wreached around searching for bullett holes, didn't feel any.., A paramedic came in just as I was standing there washing my blood drenched shirt in the sink basin, I was still in a fog, my pressure indicated 86/34, how I was still walking and responsive I don't know. Just needed to get home....The EMT's wasn't having any of that, onto the gurney they put me, handed me a hurl bag and I filled it with more blood, then another, lights and sirens the whole way. I was strapped in so tight I could feel the rush of the Ford engine in this econoline conversion whisking me away to destinations unknown but I couldn't move. Then with a surge of adrenaline I managed to dial a number and say goodbye. Through the crash doors of the emergency room off and into the abyss of sleep I went.

When I awoke I immediately had a flashback of the gulf, war, I was choking and had three guys on top of me holding me down. They reminded me of men fought some years back so with another surge of adrenaline I pushed them away but then someone else came into the room and assisted them. As I lay there completely immobilized I began to see what was about to happen, a long metallic rod was being forced down my throat, I could see it going in, couldn't breathe. There was great fear and desperation on this guys face just as there was mine as it felt like I was being water boarded. The man with the white coat spoke and said he would need to go back in and try again as there was just too much blood for him to see properly but this time they passed more sedatives and I was fast asleep only to awake some three days later.

You...

http://youtu.be/0ocWmZ2JxFo

Escalation

Wikipedia says:

well

seems like feast or famine, everywhere I look, fire, drought, bankruptcy, flood, tornado, homeless, it's all the same, people suffering...i'm sick of it, can't bear to witness it anymore, it's getting bad out there

Time to break the cycle, to remove the pain pulsating through the veins but what to do, what to do. Confide in a stranger and ask for advice or stay on the path through the valley of the shadow. Could follow the unofficial approval melancholy list of home remedies that funded many for years or bite the bullet and go back to the hell hole. At this point it just seems like to much work and not enough time to do what needs to be done, too much pain, too much loss, to many unanswered questions and too much light...

The bone...

http://youtu.be/a1sf2CzEq0w

With a...

With a heavy heart i write this letter, i've seen loss, i've seen pain, i've seen joy and happiness. if you read this it's because I love you or perhaps you just stumbled across this blog. Know that you are special. Know that somewhere there is someone special that is thinking of you, know that you are loved for who you are and all the terrific things you do. know that i once loved you...

No pills...just plutonium...

http://youtu.be/T8dyxGiBx3g

Got another letter in the mail

Read and shred, another one down...this...it's so much to bear, I don't think my shoulders are broad enough......I feel the quickening...I've lost so many loved ones of late, to much... I have mentally checked out...bruised and battered I go, will miss you all but peace out...god bless...

Once

There was a young vibrant man, he was full of ambition and other things. He Had a family, friends and a good job. He was a bit of a wandering soul so he had a motorcycle but this was much later in this fable. He Lived between Wichita and Muldrow for several years, he would sleep on the floor of a greyhound bus that transported him to and fro, it was a dirty and dusty floor but he slept nonetheless. It seems he was always sent away like that but he rarely remembers coming back that way. This young boys father would be standing there at the station, and they would see each other and smile. He lived with his grandma on his Dad's side for a while then at 11415 east lewis street there in Wichta, his dad had married another, he had a bunk bed and here they had land and he had a fort :-)

So there he was on his new bicycle minding his own business. He had ventured a little farther into the neighborhood than before to see his friend and Grandma Espinoza. On his way home he came across a bunch of kids fighting in the street. Not just a few mind you but a gaggle. He tried to cruise around them but was blocked in by several of them at once. He must have been about 8 or 9 years old. So basically they wanted my new bike and began pulling on it, He wasn't giving it up and tried to bully past them but there was just too many of them. Hands all over his new bike and before you knew it he was crowd surfing above these kids with his bike heading the other direction. He finally got down and went looking for it only to find the meanest, nastiest bully he had ever met sitting on it. He started chasing him on his own bike! He ran like the wind, lost at that point not knowing which way to go. Each time he looked back the bully was closer and closer and so was a whole bunch of other kids. So he kept running, by the time he got back into town the closest thing was Taco Tico and they were open. I don't think they were ready to take his order though. I ran into the bathroom with thugs in tow. The door slammed shut and I locked it tight. BOOM BOOM WHAM could be heard in that small ass bathroom. The kids were trying to break through and get me, by this time I had no idea how many were outside nor where my bike was. Luckily there was a pay phone in the bathroom, now why there was a pay phone inside the Taco Tico bathroom I'll probably never know. But anyways, I reached into my pocket and produced some silver. I called IM and my older cousin answered. I was breathing so hard I could hardly speak and the pounding on the door kept getting louder. Within minutes I heard the deep unmistakable voice of my dad and my cousin. They were there to rescue me and my new bike. Both of the men were bigger than the average Joe so the kids proved little trouble for them. Ah... engrams




On Aug. 2, 1990, Iraq invaded Kuwait. This act precipitated U.S. military involvement in the Persian Gulf. The 1st Inf. Div. was put on alert for deployment on Nov. 8, 1990. The division deployed over 12,000 soldiers and 7,000 pieces of equipment to Saudi Arabia over the next two months.

At 2:00 a.m., 17, 1991,Operation Desert Storm commenced with air raids and artillery barrages on Iraqi targets. The Division continued to rehearse its mission to penetrate Iraqi defenses and destroy the Republican Guard in its zone.

On the morning of Feb. 24, 1991, under Maj. Gen. Thomas G. Rhame, the Big Red One spearheaded the armored attack into Iraq, by creating the all-important breach in Iraqi defenses that enabled VII Corps units to smash into Iraq. The Division broke through the enemy defensive lines, decimated the Iraqi 26th Inf. Div. by and took over 2,500 prisoners. After the breachhead was secured, the British 1st Armored Division was allowed to advance and pass through the Big Red One. This kept up the momentum of the coalition force's attack. The Division then followed and drove to the east deep into enemy territory.

Continuing its attack, the Division collided with the Tawakalna Division Republican Guard and the 37th Brigade of the 12th Iraqi Tank Division. On the night of Feb. 26, 1991, the Division battled with enemy forces and destroyed both units. Enemy losses included more than 40 tanks and 40 infantry fighting vehicles. The Division exploited its success and continued its pursuit of the demoralized Iraqi forces.

Following the Battle of Norfolk, the Division raced ahead to cut of the Iraqi lines off retreat from Kuwait City. Division elements destroyed scores of enemy vehicles and took thousands of prisoners as they advanced.

By 8 p.m., 27 Feb., the 1st Squadron, 4th U.S. Cavalry had seized the main highway leading north out of Kuwait, barring the Iraqis' escape. By the next morning, the rest of the Division had taken up positions along the highway and fully secured it.

At 8 a.m., Feb. 28, 1991, the war was over when a cease-fire was called. The Big Red One had fought through 260 kilometers of enemy-held territory in 100 hours, destroying 550 enemy tanks, 480 armored, personnel carriers and taking 11,400 prisoners. Eighteen of the Divisions soldiers were killed in the war. The Division earned three campaign streamers for its colors: Defense of Saudi Arabia, Liberation and Defense of Kuwait and Cease Fire.

On Mar. 3, 1991, negotiations were held between coalition forces and Iraqi leaders to cement the cease-fire agreements. The Division secured the site of the agreements at Safwan airfield. Following this, the Division prepared for its return to the United States. On May 10, 1991, the Division unfurled its colors at Fort Riley, Kan., signifying its return home. But she wasn't there waiting for him and he, this man finally knew true heartbreak...

First a drop, then another and another until i'm soaked from head to toe, boots full of water and a chill rolls across my spine at 55mph I can barely see, glasses fogging, rain on the inside of them now as a shiver begins to develop deep within. I hug the bike closer soaking the warmth from the air cooled motor as we continue down the highway. The light up ahead turns red and as I begin to brake it's only then I fully realize just how utterly soaked I am. There is so much water that the brakes begin to groan and make sounds like never before as this was baptisim for these wheels, nevertheless they brought me to a stop without fail. As I shook my head to the right and left trying to shake off the rain, the light turned green and we were off again, visibility wasn't clear blue and twenty two, more like dark fog with driving rain and we slowed to around 40-45 mph. The rain kept on pelting us like a swarm of bees interrupted at honey time. Another light is coming up ahead, the shiver is becoming worse but we continue to drive on. Noticed I have a death grip on the handle bars about now. Blinkers on, were going right and as I wearily begin the turn, I'm startled by multiple horns blasting from behind as the rest of the pack waves and continues north. The rain is slowing now. I can see once again, albeit not as clear as I should. Through the winding road we go until we are in a familar place even with the fog and rain. The leader takes a right and I honk, smile and wave but continue west to the filling station. As I pull in there are several folks staring in amazement as I pull up to the pump. I grab a towel, take a deep breath, wipe my brow, dry my glasses and smile, what a ride... Pulling out from the station I see a familar white t-shirt several hundred feet back heading north and as I get up to cruising speed the image is becoming clearer. The rains have subsided. At the light the familar image was indeed Dan, "did you stop at Scott's" he said? "Nope, just honked waved and went on", "funny" he said, "I just kept going straight". We cruised on through Wylie and Murphy headed for Plano, probably end up on the cover of their local newspaper as I'm sure we were quite the sight..good times ;-).TBC

Can't sleep

Too many thoughts, dreams, in a haze, a fog if you will just dreading the day. Even Music and the Motorcycle cannot seem to drown out the sorrow, I didn't think I could be so sad, I've seen much loss, held some until their last breath and many loved ones go to some other place but this is hitting me hard. I'm dreading today, there is a dinner before hand but I can't go to that, I will wait, then get into the suit and go when its time. I saw a shell of what was her today, just a shell, she was gone to some other place...Too much loss, too much sadness, too much sorrow, too much...

Last two days

These last two days have totally sucked, i'm beat, i have one more day to go and a casket to carry... Lord help me, please...

No words

My granny passed away in her sleep this morning, i am so saddend by this it's beyond words. My Mom and Dad passed years back and this is just another example of my own mortality. I'm just just tired of all the death and the pain, why does it have to be so hard, this thing we call life...When I was just a boy I went and lived with her and my pa, they welcomed me, fed me, taught me, hugged me and loved me. We went to CB radio events, granny made me a shirt jacket with the CB handle embroidered on it Robin Hood it said, that was my handle back then, i once even won a brand spanking new CB radio for my pa, he was proud..When he passed I missed his smile, now I miss hers, I went to the graveside and pulled the weeds, took my best knife and cleaned up the place, the knife is just a thing even though it is my best, not ashamed at all, been crying all day, after all....she was my granny... It's a sad day folks, a sad day....Service is at 2 on Saturday in Muldrow, i'll be the one crying in a suit with shades on if your looking for me...

Yeah, sigh...

http://youtu.be/MLeIyy2ipps

Another call this morning

Only two left now, getting worried...

Little brothers

Went looking for him today, found him sleeping, put my hand on his forehead, burning up. Opened his eyes, not so good, open your mouth I said. Dry, swollen, gave him some Gatorade, Tylenol and made him drink a glass of water, oh world what has befallen him? If I only knew...

I Love Everything About U
And I Love U The Most

I Love The Way U Smile
And The Way U Dry
My Tears When I Cry

I Love The Way U Let Me Listen
To Your Heart Beating

And The Way U Tell Me
Its For Me Who U Living

I Love The Way U Hurt Me
And Always Come Back
To Say Please Forgive Me

I Love U For Being
Who U R In Front Of Me

And For Not Trying
To Impress Me

I Love Every Word U Say
And I Love U In Every Way

I Love U
Not Because U Love Me Too

I Love U
Because Your Love Is True!!!!

- deepu kamal

Happy Ever After
Dull, dark and dreary, the story of a broken heart.
Dreary smiles and anguished laughter,
They try to hide the pain,
Of a broken happy-ever-after,
As the tears run down your drain.

A cry for help is calling you,
Its sobs sigh on the wind
That whistles up the Avenue,
To rattle your window pane.

Alone you sit, battered and bruised,
As you read another page,
Of another broken romance book
That holds you, centre stage.

The spotlight is on your tears,
But the audience have departed,
No one's left to share the fears
That leave you broken hearted.

And so with melancholy in your head,
You contemplate the tall grey tower,
Thinking you'd be better dead,
You could leap, it'd be all over.

And your soul could fly with angels,
Or the demons of the night.
That's the alternative angle,
The enigma of your plight.

So where do you go tonight,
As the shadows dance their merry dance,
By the flickering tongue of candlelight,
That holds you in its trance?

You go to dream another nightmare,
Of a place where heartache reigns,
Where there is no happy-ever-after,
Where lover's cry in vain.

Welcome then, to my world
Of lost and lonely souls,
A place where funeral shrouds unfurl
And blackness billows through your bones.

It creeps, stealthily, through your veins,
And drowns your heart in sorrow.
And should you manage a smile today,
You'll be dead by tomorrow.
By Harry Boslem
Published: 8/8/2011

Want To Be By Myself
Too much to explain..
I cannot breathe
But I remain to live
I am tired of all this
I want to go home
And be by myself, all alone.

What I want,
Is too much to ask
What I do is too little,
And I want more.

Throbbing headache
Sobbing heart
Lonely soul
Dying spirit
Useless body
Messed up mind
Blind eyes.
By C Zemira Reyez
Published: 8/26/2011

...

It is ever elusive, some call it the quickening, Some call it sleep. So many thoughts of times long gone but they never seem to leave the mind. Vivid fixations focused solely on explosions, corruptions, sensory smells and death. How is this possible, why is this possible, for what purpose do these things exist even if only in ones mind? Commercialism lives on, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, turn it on, it will be there waiting for you...

If not for sadness, would there be joy? If not for tyranny would there be freedom? Would not there be good without evil? Do opposites really attract? What is it that you seek? Can you not be happy for just one solitary day? Why do you feel this way? What is the burden you bear to make you saddened in this fashion? What tyranny have you personally faced that causes freedom of these thoughts to elude you? What evil has been forced upon you that makes you not good? Did you ever see a north and south pole together? One day you will be happy, free of the burdens and sadness, one day...

yeah, deep...

If you only knew I've been hanging by a thread, I'd sacrifice my beating Heart before I'd lose you

I swear I've lived and learned

I can't sleep without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me Back to life
Breathe your breath in me the only thing that I still believe In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

You help me live and learn...

She

She's vibrant, she's beautiful, she is my world, she delights my senses, she expands my mind, she is wonderful, she's caring and kind. She is attractive, lovely and pleasing at the same time. She is noble, sensible, she is my wife and I love her very much.

Me

Rough week, trials and tribulations abound, first it was baby Gage with RSV, then Kenzie Nickole arrived with a temp and possible meningitis. The family is not as harmonious as I would like as there are some that do not respect the decisions of others, makes it hard for Kay and I as were stuck in the middle, just need them all happy, healthy and wiser than me, I hope and pray the all make better choices than I did, I hope and pray they all live long, prosperous fruitful lives but above all I hope they know that I have always loved them, each in my own way, I would not be who I am today without them, for it was them that shaped my life, not high school, not parties, not college, not moves and not the war, not anyone else but they, my family...I will miss you all terribly when I leave...

If you're too busy for friends,

You're too busy.

People may forget what you said.

People may forget what you did.

But, people will never forget

how you made them feel.

Ask for help when you need it.

Help others whenever you can.

yeah

so, basically they are like parents at their wits end, can't handle it anymore but do it anyway because they need the money...

if only...

I could sit here forever and run my fingers through her hair as she sleeps, if only I could listen to each breath she takes, if only I could wipe every tear, if only I could be beside her forever, if only...

MacGyverized

Turned on the ignition this morning at 28 degrees and heard a sound no avid rider likes to hear, whup whuuup, whuuupp, tick, tick, tick. So I'm picking it up at the cabin, no power, no jumper cables but I did have a hemi and a roll or 10/12 romex ;-) A few minutes later with 30 minutes to spare to kickstands up in the shaking cold I had some homemade jumper cables and the motor fired right up ;-)

Time

Once the demons inside have succumbed to the deep dark murky depths of the road, the ride will be over yet the wheels of time will still be spinning in the cold wet winter breeze...

It's not all bad...

Joy = Seeing her smile ;-)

Time to break the cycle, to remove the pain pulsating through the veins but what to do, what to do. Confide in a stranger and ask for advice or stay on the path through the valley of the shadow. Could follow the unofficial approval melancholy list of home remedies that funded many for years or bite the bullet and go back to the hell hole. At this point it just seems like to much work and not enough time to do what needs to be done, too much pain, too much loss, to many unanswered questions and too much light...

having no definite aim or purpose, from at random and great speed this carelessly, haphazard alteration of life comes to us with impetuous speed. Which in turn forces us to run fast and at times from something sinister...

you can have everything but not have this you have this if you have everything and someone to share it with LOVE reminds me of a picture in picture I gazed upon a time long ago it was hanging in the Nazarene

Went for a ride this morning, it was so cold, i needed it though, needed to feel alive, needed to feel something other than the numbness of this thing called life...

the thing is, your the man, you don't need this job, you have what you need to make it through the storms but the folks under you, and the folks reporting to you do so as such they might be a bit scared of you, not only that, but you didn't get to the point of having the resources to weather the storm without having a commanding presence, so come on now, now you know...

The absolute absurdity of it all seems aimless as we careen around in circles often fruitless, futile even going nowhere, impotent, in a vicious circle. What an inane, inconsequential, ineffective, ineffectual, insignificant, irrelevant, meaningless, needle in haystack, nongermane, nonsensical, not pertinent, on the treadmill, powerless, purportless, remote, silly, stupid, trivial, unavailing, uninteresting, unnecessary, unproductive, unprofitable, useless, vague, vain, worthless things but then I remember things like beneficial, meaningful, pointed, profitable and sensible...

Nose is bleeding again, both sides this time, not the first rodeo but getting worse... don't know, it shouldn't be long now, so much to do though and so little time...why he said, why? seriously, did he not know why? Don't believe it for a second... 

I'm such an ass sometimes, get that from him I suppose...or perhaps it's just me, hate it, hate the word hate, hate hating the word...hate not having a mom to cry to and a dad to kick my ass and tell me to move on, hate, hate, hate...who needs hate, not me, I've seen enough hate but sometimes I think I'm destined to be a hater or be hated forever and it's a lonely place...where is a good hole to crawl back into, freaking troll...

A quiet night

On a quiet night long gone are the voices that travel nearby, the crys of hysteria for no apparent reason, the laughter, the insecessant drone of that one that just won't stop talking and all other daily distractions. If your blessed, during this time, it is shared with your one true love. - Ken McPhail